It was the day before my wedding day.  It was sometime in the future, but I was still as I am now in present day.  It was like I skipped through time.  I was going around and looking at all the decorations, and was wondering who picked them out because it was not how I wanted.  I didn’t recognize any of the people.  And I was looking for my friends.  The friends that I apparently had in the future, I hadn’t met yet.  They were nice, but seemed fake.  I was looking for Kerri and Jenny.  There were lots of people pulling me around asking me questions, but I had no idea what was going on.  The whole thing seemed rushed and unorganized, and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable.  Apparantly I had not even registered for gifts, and the gift table was very lacking.  It made me sad.  There were only a few tables set up for guests.  The room was too big and open and dark.  It seemed a bit musty and old. I felt as though I had been on the lake all day and the room was still swaying like I was trying to balance over the waves.  I felt strange and dizzy.

Then we get to the rehearsal.  The sanctuary looked even bigger, and darker, and older than the room before.  It was in a long triangular shape and the altar was at the tip of the triangle.  There were massive, oddly shaped stairs leading up to the altar.  The way the precession went was all wrong, but everyone told me it was just how I wanted it.  I walked down the aisle first before the bridesmaids, or even the groom.  O yeah, who is the groom?  I hadn’t seen his face yet.  I even wondered if I was marrying someone, or if it were all a joke that I would never marry, so I would have to marry myself.  Strange thought.  I was led down the aisle by Justin.  I wondered where my dad was. I turn around to see my sisters behind me, some unfamiliar faces who were supposed to be my friends, and Kerri!  I was so excited to see her.  Finally I see Robert walking down the aisle.  A sea of emotion fell over me.  He looked so handsome.  Older, but in a good way.  As he was getting closer, I tried to look into his eyes, and communicate with him.  He looked at me in a way I’ve never seen anyone look at me before.  I could see his soul.  I tried to not show the fear in my eyes, but I think he could tell anyway, because his sweet face turned to concern. At the altar, the preacher kept talking and talking and talking.  I wasn’t listening to a word she was saying.  I just desperately wanted everyone to get out of my way so I could go over and hold Robert’s hand.  Why were they all standing in between us? 

Next thing I know everybody was standing in the back of the church.  The rehearsal was over.  I wasn’t allowed to touch or talk to Robert until the wedding ceremony, as were my requests.  I was getting very angry at the person who I had become.  The preacher was a very strange woman.  She was very old and seemed senile.  She drove a little scooter from the altar to the back of the church, because it was too long for her to walk.  She told me she wanted to show me something.  Only me, Kerri, and my fake friends followed.  I didn’t want to go, I just wanted to talk to Robert, and find out what was going on.  He was the only person I could trust here.  She led us through dark hallways, secret passageways, narrow stairs that kept going down, and down, and down.  I still felt as though I was moving, and was getting very disoriented.  Finally, we had made it.  This is where I will be living for the next few months, she said.  She opened the door into the strangest place I had ever seen.  It was not big and open like the other rooms, but small and cramped.  Everything was dark wood, and extremely old and felt humid.  But at the same time seemed really cool.  It was a small house, which seemed like at one time used to be only for very important people.  Like the best suite at the top story of a hotel.  But we weren’t in a hotel.  We were in a very strange and almost magical place.  I started to look around, and admire all the old and ornate furniture.  I got so swept up in the wonder of this place, I forgot about the wedding.  The quilts were very detailed and fragile.  To go from room to room, you had to sometimes crawl through narrow doors, or take a few more steps.  It seemed like a maze to get through.  I wondered when was the last time anyone had seen this place.  I then went into another room that I had to crawl up into.  It was on top of everything else, like a loft.  I noticed it was not like the other rooms with old furniture and expensive chests and fine quilts, it had modern sleeping bags, and camping utensils.  Something didn’t feel right.  It was darker than the rest of the rooms, and I had to hold my light right up to the object I was trying to look at.  I got closer to a sleeping bag, and shined a light on it, and saw a dead man in it! I screamed bloody murder and crawled out of the room.  The preacher lady said she didn’t know how anybody else could have found this place, and kept apologizing.  I sat there and cried.  The preacher kept talking, and like before I tuned her out.  But something she said caught my ear, she said don’t worry, only 4 more months at sea, and you will be home again.  Wait what sea? We had been on a ship this whole time!  We were in the hull of the ship, that seemed as big as the titanic.  I then remembered the wedding, and Robert.  I had so many questions for him.  I wasn’t ready to marry him.  But by the way he had looked at me before, I could tell he truly loved me, and didn’t want to see hurt in his eyes because his eyes now were so beautiful.  I just cried what seemed a sea of my own tears.  I was scared, and didn’t know what to do.  My future self was wanting to marry Robert, but I wasn’t ready yet. 

Then I “woke up”, but was actually still dreaming.  I was laying next to Robert and was so happy it was just a dream.  It was still dark outside.  I reached over and hugged him as tight as I could.  I didn’t mean to wake him up.  He grumbled and told me to scoot over.  I told him I just had a weird dream that I wanted to tell him about.  I tried telling him, but the memory was fading fast.  All I could tell him was that we were on a ship and were getting married.  He said I was being such a girl, and that’s all girls dream about.  I told him it wasn’t like that, but he didn’t understand.  He told me to never tell him any more dreams about getting married. 

Then I actually woke up.  I looked over and I was alone in my bed.  The sigh of relief came when I realized I hadn’t been misunderstood. 

Can I just tell you about the past couple of days please???

This weekend was memorial day weekend.  Carl closed the flight school and told me to go take a break.  So I decided to drive to Murfreesboro to work on my CFII rating.  (certified flight instructor/instrument). 

-Back up- Before I moved to po-dunk Mississippi for this instructing position, Carl promised me a)salary, b)free instruction for my CFII, and c)pleanty of students to where I would be flying 25 hours a week on average. 

-Forward- Since I have been in Mississippi I passed my CFII written within the first couple of days being there.  And in almost 3 months, have only received 2 sim lessons.  1 of which was cut short due to a problem with the seneca.  (crack in propeller… REALLY??) Carl has not been available for any help to prepare me for a checkride, but still expected me to be able to take it.  So a few weeks ago, when he asked me if I was ready for my checkride, and I said no that I needed atleast a flight or two to prepare me for the ride, he got very upset, and told me that I am going to have to start paying for any instruction I needed after that.  So if I was going to be paying for my own instruction, I decided that I didn’t want to be taught by Carl in the shitty cessna 172, that doesnt even have a working GPS.  I would rather get it done in Tennessee where they have a brand new DA 40 XLS, with a G1000 cockpit, synthetic vision, full weather radar capabilities, traffic alerts, and XM radio.  All for 5 bucks more than the shitty cessna?? O hell yes. 

I have one student Sam, who is working on his private pilot’s licence, and we had scheduled to meet at the airport at 3:00pm Tuesday.  I wanted to drive back tuesday so I could get as many lessons for my CFII, as possible.  (Trust me, I want to get it done just as quickly if not more quickly than Carl does).  So on the way back Carl calls me and asks me why I wasnt’t there at 9am flying, and I told him because my student and I had arranged for 3pm.  This is when he told me that I was supposed to be there at 9am everyday of the week…. I have never heard him say that.  Why would I be there everyday, when I wouldnt be getting paid for it? It doesn’t make sense.  So this is when I told him, that I had been taking my CFII lessons in Murfreesboro.  O boy was he pissed. 

What happened on the phone after that has now become a blur.  It was like taking bullets.  He chewed me out for a good 10 minitues.  I was very calm and composed, and handeled his bashing very well.  He said I was immature, undependable, a liar, stupid, and that I didnt have a heart for aviation.  That last one really pissed me off.  But all I said was that I am sorry he felt that way and that I have been doing everything I could possibly do to finish my CFII without his help, and to finish my student as efficiently as possible.  He told me to pack my bags and to never come back.  I told carl that it was never my intentions to end it like this, and that I wish the very best for his business, and that I have done everything I could possible do to make his business a success.  After I said that, he was like, “Well maybe you can stay to finish Sam so your time here wont be a total waste.”  I asked him why he would want someone with such terrible qualities to continue working for him, and flying with his students? He didn’t answer.  I told him thank you for the opportunity but that it is clear that I need to continue my professional career elsewhere.  And then he hung up on me. 

After he hung up on me I finally cried.  For a long long time.  I could not believe the things he said to me.  I knew none of them were true, but it still hurt.  To have given up everything to just up and move to Mississippi, to leave being disrespected, humiliated, and unappreciated. 

Craig drove from Tuscaloosa to help me pack and I had all of my things moved out of there in less than 3 hours.  I am now without a job, but also feel much better off than I was if I would have stayed there.  I have learned many things from being there.  Dad says that from this experience, I will become stronger, and better able to run a successful business of my own one day, seeing how NOT to do it here. 

I could say more.  But Craig is about to have to come pick me up.  This afternoon I was on Rachelle and Craigs backporch sitting with the dogs, when Rachelle came in from her lunch break, and left and locked the back and front door.  I had to jump the chain link fence, and use the creepy neighbors phone to get Rachelle to come pick me up.  Rachelle couldnt let me in, because she had given the extra key to Craig, who had given his extra key to me.  (confused yet???)  So Im sitting in the law firm where rachelle works, waiting for craig to get out of class to pick me up.  I’m just glad I decided to put on a bra, jeans, and shoes before going to sit on the back porch…….

There is an older Indian man living in the apartment now.  The guy from kazakstan moved out last week.  The Indian man is getting his Airline Transport licence.. or trying to at least.  He came in yesterday, and told me he failed his test.  He asked me how to make coffee in the coffee pot, made a huge brew, and left for several hours.  What he was up to… I have no idea.  I was awakened around 1am this morning, with pounding on the front door.  I grabbed my mase and was about to creep downstairs to see who it was, when Christian came out of his room with his German Shepard to get the door.  Thank God for that.  Turns out the Indian man went to a bar or something, and lost his keys. 

Christian and his dog are moving out Thursday.  He got a summer job in Aberdeen as a youth minister.  I actually don’t want Christian to leave.  I don’t want to be living alone in a place with strange foreigners moving in and out all summer long.  The Indian man smells funny. 

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-give-a-great-man-to-man-hug

I’m sitting in “my room”, in a condo owned by my boss, occupied by my boss’s son and I, drinking a white russian and watching family guy.  Because I am trying to ignore Christian’s terrible drum playing as well as my terrible job in this terrible town.  I’ve been here for almost a month and I’ve made $174.  Yeah, thats right.  Thursday, the right tire blew while doing touch and go’s at a nearby airport.  We were stuck there til 10:30pm.  It was my student, Marc’s, first flight with me.  Today was supposed to be our second.  During the runup before takeoff, the alternator went out, and the right magneto was running rough.  So I called off the flight and we turned around and parked the airplane.  This left a very bad impression on Marc. 

I miss Murfreesboro.  I miss my friends, and my sister, and Robert.  I miss my room.  I just miss it.  I don’t know what I am doing here.  I try to tell myself that soon, it will get better and that everything will be worth it.  I wish I was instructing at MTSU.  I like the stability, the integrity of the flight school, the passion that everyone puts into it, and the fun that I used to have there. 

For the past two weeks, I’ve been having dreams about hang gliding.  Usually my dreams are morbid and twisted, but not lately.  They are so real and beautiful.  Its just me and the sky.  I feel so free.  If it were up to me, I would get myself a glider and move to the mountains and float with the birds all day long. 

For now, I will make myself another white russian, and play super mario brothers until my thumbs go numb.